he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
