oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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