Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
