the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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