This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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