Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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