did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
