i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize