Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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