drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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