I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Life is so much better after having sex.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
