get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The Olympian is in my bed
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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