I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
