He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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