I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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