Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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