I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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