I puked a lego.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
