someone threw a dead crab at me
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
