Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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