Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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