Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
