question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
