i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
