jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
