Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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