I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize