he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
