Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
