Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
