dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
