Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Operation Purity has been aborted
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
