Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
