and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I checked into jail on foursquare
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
