Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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