peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
The adults are the big ones right?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
