And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
