Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
