It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My pussy is not your playground.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
