it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
