I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
