he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
