and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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