Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
It's blow job season.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
