I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize