I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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