im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
