Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
