my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
