You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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