Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
