I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize