we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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