dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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