when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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