i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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