Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
