I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
my liver is dry heaving
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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