They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
