i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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