a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
