so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
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